Fear & hope.

My boy is gone. Just like that, quick as a wink, gone. Not coming home ever again.

He has moved in with his father. I am shattered, bereft, bewildered & more than a little sad. I am also miffed, confused & plain pissed off with both of them.

But I miss my boy.

I fear for him, living with his dad. I fear the example he'll be shown, I fear him becoming an alcoholic, I fear him becoming attached to someone who didn't contact his child for over a year & it all falling apart on him. I fear him being shown all the wrong ways to lead his life.

For the first time this year, I didn't see my son on his birthday, his nineteenth came & went, with no more than a text message. He didn't want to come home. I think he was with his dad on Mother's Day, I got the excuse he couldn't come to see me, he was stuck in the city. I know he wasn't.

I fear I WILL lose him forever.

I fear my other children becoming alienated from their dad. I fear the level of resentment building against him, by them already.

I fear a fractured family, siblings with so much baggage & so much damage between them, that it will never & can never be repaired.

I fear my children will not come to me at Christmas, Easter, birthdays for a happy family gathering, bringing with them significant others, spouses & in time, grandchildren. I fear having to arrange to meet them, minus one...

I fear the worst.

I hope my fears are unfounded. I hope my imagination is running amok. I hope such things abhorrent to me, never come to pass.

I hope I see the life I've always wanted for my children. I hope they, in time, love each other. I hope my boy learns the value of family. I hope his selfish, sociopathic tendencies disappear with age, wisdom & life-experience.

I hope it will all turn out just fine.

Some mother's do 'ave 'em

This Sunday is Mothers Day in Oz. No biggie, it won't stop the economy, resurrect Elvis, calm down Beiber fans or rid us of global warming. It IS really just another day...

For me, however, it's an almost magical experience! I truly feel the love & appreciation of my offspring. It's although, for one (or part thereof) day, they truly value me as the person who loves them unconditionally, does so much for them, is both mother & father & who is so extremely proud of them. I may even have a argument-free day. For me, it's not about gifts, rather FEELING the lurve.

Plans have been made, I am banned from bedrooms at certain times, a shopping trip is scheduled in & hushed conversations are taking place in darkened corners...

All promising to be a wonderful day, including cold toast in bed, followed by more than likely cold coffee, as I will have to open pressies before eating... It's just not the done thing to wait!

This particular Mother's Day, however, I expect to hear nothing from my eldest. No card, sms, kiss on the cheek, or even an appearance. He didn't bother with Easter or Christmas & has been asked to vacate the premises, permanently.

He is playing the 'let's punish mum, by not coming home' game at the present. I know where he is (I have my sources), he is well & safe & trying to tick me off. I shall not chase him this time. Rather, let him take the initiative & when he does, let him know I've missed him & I care.

So, I shall prepare my special Mother's Day high tea, for my own mum & let the younger three spoil me with their well laid plans. Yes, I will be disappointed, but I WILL NOT let it ruin my day, or the other family member's day.

Who knows, he may surprise me? I doubt it.

Girding my loins......

The troth twixt ‘em..

I was determined not to, wasn’t really interested, but alas, I caved & like millions of others, watched The Royal Wedding. Not because it was the Royal Family, not because I wanted to see the dress, not because there wasn’t anything else on telly either. It was because I, like every other (most, anyways) female on this planet, loves a wedding & moreso, because of my OVER-BLOODY-WHELMING-MATERNALISM. I am SUCH a mother, I could kick myself at times!

The way I thought of it was thus: I have seen this young man grow up, right from birth, to his independence. He has faced challenges many have not. Privileged, yes, but also extremely sheltered, protected & hidden from ‘normalcy’. The death of his mother, a cruel blow that no child should ever have to endure. Perhaps because I feel sorry for him, or feel like he has been a part of my life, I wanted to see this extra-ordinary young man married & happy. I will never meet him and am by no means a Royalist, but the mother in me needed to know he was ok.

Anyhoo… I am amazed at the amount of people questioning the language used during the ceremony! So many asking what troth & twixt mean. Excuse me for appearing pompous, but I, (being no English scholar) could easily work out the general meanings by relating troth to betrothed, being a promise & twixt to betwixt, being between or amongst. It saddens me that today’s younger population don’t seem to have the vocabulary to nut out such meanings or phrases.

Abbreviating words for fun, speed or necessity in limited space is fine in this world of sms, msn & the like, I do it myself, but my mistakes are intentional or meant as a play on words. I really cringe & am quite dismayed that behind this new ‘cyber’ language, a firm grasp of basic English just doesn’t exist in many cases, let alone 'Old English' as The Bard penned.

Perhaps the Dept. of Education should take a serious look at their planning or parents should actually converse with take a greater role in increasing the vocabulary/language/conversation skills of their children. I see kids too lazy to look up a dictionary, Google a meaning or at times, care enough to want to know. It seems instant gratification is their way of life, as if effort has been bred out of them. If they don’t know a word or phrase, use another! Done, dusted & fixed, but nothing new learned.

I don’t know the answer, I do know however, my heart is a little heavier when I consider what is really happening to these future generations...

The Prodigal Son..

I have a black sheep, not of the woolly variety, rather the eldest spurn of my loins/offspring. The arrogant, aggressive, overbearing, LARGEST of my children. Plenty of problems over the years, both for & caused by this particular quarter of my brood.

I had him seeing a paediatric psych at an early age, for anti-social behaviour (diagnosed with anxiety & fed anti-depressants for the condition), have suspected on more than one occasion he may, ever so slightly be on the Autism spectrum (but I’m no expert..) & have coached him for many years on social queues, language, acceptable behaviour etc… Even now, at age 18, he admits to not understanding what people say or mean when they talk.

All his life he clashed with his father, I tried (in vain) to get father to see the good in his son. He is SMART, so academic, it’s not funny, he was athletic (albeit rough on the footy field & black listed by the DDJFL). He was actually head-hunted by division one football clubs, such was his size & skill on the field. He is amusing (when the mood strikes)...Alas, as far as father was concerned, there was not much good to be found. Few father-son activities really occurred.

As prodigal got older, I had father, being not such an effective parent & prodigal being the self-proclaimed ‘protector’. Prodigal tried to step into father’s role, to discipline his siblings & generally rule the roost. More clashes ensued, a battle of wits, although son was the wittier….

Fast forward a number of years:

Prodigal starts drinking (turned up drunk to school), he stays out at night, starts hanging around with a bad crowd, smoking cigarettes & self-harming (smashing up knuckles on brick walls & cutting himself).

Father then moves out, prodigal stays at home & with TONS of support, I make progress. I am the parent, not him! I set the rules, I allow the friends over to my home, supervised (& they get a piece of my mind when needed). I say “no”, A LOT! There are consequences to his actions. I think I have my boy back….

We have travelled rather well over the last two & a half years, there have been ups & downs, of course. I have had to call in the ‘tough love’ on occasion (which has been tougher on me, than him), but hey, MY house, My rules & there are younger children here…I managed to get him to finish his secondary schooling (boy, was that an effort) & now he works full-time in management, running the shifts at McDonalds. Not too bad *pats self on the back*

There are days/weeks when he is horribly rude & utterly disrespectful, both to me & his siblings. There are also days/weeks when he is helpful, courteous & kind. Last week was a VERY bad week, this week is a good week, we have a commonality & I am his ally.

Perhaps my boy has grown up? We shall wait & see....

Question?

I’m finding the whole blogging experience to be exhausting (but therapeutic) at times. My preferred method is to type merrily onto a Publisher document (ah, Publisher, how I love thee) & transfer on to my blog. There is a method in my madness, firstly I am on limited stupid Bigpond wireless internet & it saves my usage & I can re-hash what I write before uploading to the great beyond…

The problem I seem to have is thus: I am writing EPIC posts! Pages & pages of expunging, purging, backgrounds to my stories, memories which pop into my noggin as I spew forth my drama-of-the-day.

So I’m thinking right about now, I could give Tolstoy a run for his money & if he could write War & Peace & have it published in separate volumes, can I? Apart from the fact that I'm so much better looking than him, probably smell better & have a clean shaven face...

Is it proper Blog etiquette to post in parts? Being a newbie, I want to know if this is the done thing, or considered rather blasé & or distasteful.

Feedback please??

Sorry I opened my big mouth!

Here I sit, covered in MDF dust & liquid nails, eating a cheese & onion sandwich or two. In the garage I have set up; my cordless drill, electric sander, jigsaw & workbench. Feeling so very blokey at the moment!

Junior has to build a 'sustainable' house model for school, so as you do, when you're a complete glutton for punishment exceptionally helpful mother, you go the whole-hog. An exact, scale replica of the very first house we ever built, straight off the plan (bar the bay window in the lounge room, too fiddly).

I have discovered I have a penchant for the jigsaw, going swimmingly in the cutting department. The Liquid Nails however, is detemined to defy me at every God-damned turn! Knew I should have stuck to silicone to stick the mofo wonderful little model together.

Windows are a bit crooked, but junior assures me they look good (she would say that, lest I down tools & give her cardboard boxes to construct with).

All this on a Sunday which, truth be told, I would rather be lying in bed, watching bad tv, or snoozing. Usual aches & pains & holding my head up to keep the disc in place is IMPOSSIBLE when I need to look down, or lose a limb to said power tools...

I am, admittedly, THE most 'unco' looking tradie, ever to walk this earth. Here's a giggle for you: I'm wearing trackies & moccies (old ones, of course), an old jacket, holey t-shirt, neck-brace & wrist brace. Haven't done the hair today, so it's all "look at me, I just had a good night" (sleep that is..)

It is cold in the garage, it's raining outside, I DON'T WANNA, but I will, for my baby girl, who deserves this epic, kick-arse project :)

BTW, her sire is a builder & could have possibly knocked this one over in a matter of hours. The fact she didn't even ask him, speaks volumes to me...

That what don't kill us......

So much to write about, so little time! I’m suffering sleepless nights at the moment. So many worries tumbling around my grey matter and they seem to like making an appearance as soon as I lay my head down for the night. In fact, the exact nanosecond I start to relax, the thoughts wake up! I'm finding Serapax is my new best friend.

There’s my impending court battle for property settlement with the ex (who refuses to visit a solicitor to get the ball rolling, after house was sold nearly 5 months ago). Why would he not want the money & the relationship LEGALLY finished, is beyond me…

There’s the Lack of Child Support; four kids, I have all of them living with me & ex has to pay for 3, but I've received nothing since he quit his job. He has a new one now!! Funny how kids cost money to keep, especially when you have to feed & clothe them.. (yes, the CSA are aware).

There’s the prodigal son, who is a worry all on his own...

There’s my mum, who is in bad health, needing a full hip replacement & until such time as she gets it, is pretty much incapacitated.

There’s work….I work with some severely Intellectually Disabled kids & many on the Autism spectrum, which is challenging & frustrating (not the kids, more the constraints, parents, system).

There’s the kids, 4 of my own & 2 ‘adoptees’ living here. Total 4 teenagers,  one 21 year old & a pre-pubescent, which has it’s challenges.

Then there’s me. Recently started seeing a psych for anxiety problems (panic attacks, breakdowns..very much started by a very abusive short-term boyfriend) I’m supposed to be the strong one, the lynchpin, the role model. I felt like a failure when I couldn’t hold it together.

Recently my health has deteriorated, I have re-visited that not so wonderful bulging disc in my neck (C6 & 7). It pushes on the nerve travelling down my left arm & is excruciating, to put it nicely. I have had stomach problems (nerves or all the painkillers?) and now have a throat infection, headcold & keep sneezing, which jolts my neck & makes it worse.

An endless round of physio for the neck, counselling from the psych & GP for the pain relief, all costing money, at a time when my finances are very tight (Child Support again)…I can't help my mum, due to my own pain, yada, yada...

I know I’m one of the lucky ones, I have a roof over my head, am employed & there are a lot worse off than me, but Cosmos, c’mon, gimme a break!!

PLEASE???

It’s Alive!! Alive, I tell you…

This morning, as is my custom every other Thursday, I dragged my weary, crumpled derriere out of my budoir, boiled the kettle for my morning sustenance & proceeded to log on to the internet to check the bank. The aforementioned, other Thursday being PAYDAY, the best-est day of the fortnight (need I say more?).

Anyhoo, I do digress...whilst logged on, bleary-eyed, hardly awake, taking alternate sucks of caffeine & nicotine, I decided to check my Blog. I played with it re-designed it last night & wanted to see if it still floated my boat was asthetically pleasing (nothing to do with me wanting to check it out, as I was thrilled to bits to have written it)...I SWEAR! Well, maybe just a little :)

Lo & behold, I had a follower & comments! Ooooh, was my immediate reaction & as every good sticky nose female does at 7am, of course I read what others had written…

I felt, umm, for want of a better word, accepted? Appreciated? People had taken time out to consider ME! Perfect strangers & a VERY supportive cousin had made me feel fantastic & listened to ME, making me feel all growed-up, like a big girl lol.

Is this the feeling amongst the Blogging community I wondered? The reason everyday folk continue to write their thoughts, feelings, dramas, hopes, dreams, successes & failures? I felt GREAT!! ALIVE even!

My spirits were high all day. I let work colleagues read what I had written (they did ask) & received nothing but positive feedback (well of course they’d be nice, I know where they work, hehe) & requests to send them the link to read further posts. I have refrained from posting the link publicly on Facebook, as if & when I blow my stack (& I will), I really don’t wish my kids to be privy to my attack of the vapours.

ALIVE, I tell you, ALIVE!!!

Even the rain, frizzy hair, pre-work doctor’s appointment, after work shopping, physio appointment & power black out didn’t dampen my spirits today.

Methinks this could be a good thing, a wee bit addictive even, because it makes me feel.....

ALIVE!!! :oD

Why, why, why Delilah?

With these few short words, I have just lost my Blog virginity. The first time for anything, THEY (who ARE THEY?) say, should be special, so I have overthought, or in my own vernacular, overTHUNKED exactly what to write & came up with, well to be honest....FAR TOO MUCH!

I want to include this & that, make myself appear witty, clever, articulate & everything else I admire in hard-core Bloggers. Do I document the frolicky, whismsical banter which has popped in & out of my mind over the last few weeks, as I considered starting out on this journey, or remain serious & sensible?  Do I write about work/family/problems/opinions or even that mysterious rash which occasionally appears....? Now that the time has come, I got....NUFFIN!

Truth be told, I have reached the conclusion that I just have to be myself & spew forth/vent my spleen/bemoan write whatever is on my mind on any given day & see where the journey takes me...

Why, may readers (if anyone reads this) ask, did I start the journey? Let me explain... It was a warm summer night, in ancient Greece...(thanks Sheldon - Big Bang Theory for that starter). Just kidding :) Quite simply, I have LOADS to say! I wish I could blast the bejesus out of people over Facebook, but hey, my kids/schoolfriends/work colleagues/adopted kids are on there & writing evil, childish remarks about people they know just is soooo not cool. Just because they all do it, doesn't mean I can, right? Bahahaha, or can I?

I needed a release, a place to blow my top, lambaste the world in general, write the wrongs & contemplate my navel. To see the beauty around me, be absorbed in the goodness of my children & to be greatful for what I have. Then, to send all the negative out into cyber-god-knows-where to set it free...

So it begins.