Fear & hope.

My boy is gone. Just like that, quick as a wink, gone. Not coming home ever again.

He has moved in with his father. I am shattered, bereft, bewildered & more than a little sad. I am also miffed, confused & plain pissed off with both of them.

But I miss my boy.

I fear for him, living with his dad. I fear the example he'll be shown, I fear him becoming an alcoholic, I fear him becoming attached to someone who didn't contact his child for over a year & it all falling apart on him. I fear him being shown all the wrong ways to lead his life.

For the first time this year, I didn't see my son on his birthday, his nineteenth came & went, with no more than a text message. He didn't want to come home. I think he was with his dad on Mother's Day, I got the excuse he couldn't come to see me, he was stuck in the city. I know he wasn't.

I fear I WILL lose him forever.

I fear my other children becoming alienated from their dad. I fear the level of resentment building against him, by them already.

I fear a fractured family, siblings with so much baggage & so much damage between them, that it will never & can never be repaired.

I fear my children will not come to me at Christmas, Easter, birthdays for a happy family gathering, bringing with them significant others, spouses & in time, grandchildren. I fear having to arrange to meet them, minus one...

I fear the worst.

I hope my fears are unfounded. I hope my imagination is running amok. I hope such things abhorrent to me, never come to pass.

I hope I see the life I've always wanted for my children. I hope they, in time, love each other. I hope my boy learns the value of family. I hope his selfish, sociopathic tendencies disappear with age, wisdom & life-experience.

I hope it will all turn out just fine.

Some mother's do 'ave 'em

This Sunday is Mothers Day in Oz. No biggie, it won't stop the economy, resurrect Elvis, calm down Beiber fans or rid us of global warming. It IS really just another day...

For me, however, it's an almost magical experience! I truly feel the love & appreciation of my offspring. It's although, for one (or part thereof) day, they truly value me as the person who loves them unconditionally, does so much for them, is both mother & father & who is so extremely proud of them. I may even have a argument-free day. For me, it's not about gifts, rather FEELING the lurve.

Plans have been made, I am banned from bedrooms at certain times, a shopping trip is scheduled in & hushed conversations are taking place in darkened corners...

All promising to be a wonderful day, including cold toast in bed, followed by more than likely cold coffee, as I will have to open pressies before eating... It's just not the done thing to wait!

This particular Mother's Day, however, I expect to hear nothing from my eldest. No card, sms, kiss on the cheek, or even an appearance. He didn't bother with Easter or Christmas & has been asked to vacate the premises, permanently.

He is playing the 'let's punish mum, by not coming home' game at the present. I know where he is (I have my sources), he is well & safe & trying to tick me off. I shall not chase him this time. Rather, let him take the initiative & when he does, let him know I've missed him & I care.

So, I shall prepare my special Mother's Day high tea, for my own mum & let the younger three spoil me with their well laid plans. Yes, I will be disappointed, but I WILL NOT let it ruin my day, or the other family member's day.

Who knows, he may surprise me? I doubt it.

Girding my loins......