Thursday, 12 May 2011

Fear & hope.

My boy is gone. Just like that, quick as a wink, gone. Not coming home ever again.

He has moved in with his father. I am shattered, bereft, bewildered & more than a little sad. I am also miffed, confused & plain pissed off with both of them.

But I miss my boy.

I fear for him, living with his dad. I fear the example he'll be shown, I fear him becoming an alcoholic, I fear him becoming attached to someone who didn't contact his child for over a year & it all falling apart on him. I fear him being shown all the wrong ways to lead his life.

For the first time this year, I didn't see my son on his birthday, his nineteenth came & went, with no more than a text message. He didn't want to come home. I think he was with his dad on Mother's Day, I got the excuse he couldn't come to see me, he was stuck in the city. I know he wasn't.

I fear I WILL lose him forever.

I fear my other children becoming alienated from their dad. I fear the level of resentment building against him, by them already.

I fear a fractured family, siblings with so much baggage & so much damage between them, that it will never & can never be repaired.

I fear my children will not come to me at Christmas, Easter, birthdays for a happy family gathering, bringing with them significant others, spouses & in time, grandchildren. I fear having to arrange to meet them, minus one...

I fear the worst.

I hope my fears are unfounded. I hope my imagination is running amok. I hope such things abhorrent to me, never come to pass.

I hope I see the life I've always wanted for my children. I hope they, in time, love each other. I hope my boy learns the value of family. I hope his selfish, sociopathic tendencies disappear with age, wisdom & life-experience.

I hope it will all turn out just fine.


  1. ((((hugs))) You've done the very best, you can only hope he takes the best and remembers all you've taught him xxx

  2. ((HUGS)) from me to. He is a boy and at the age he wants to be with the boys. Just keep the door always open for him and let him know that it is. At some point he will see with his own eyes how things truly are. It all may seem like fun and great at first, but if your xhusband is a true alcoholic, believe me it will wear thin and your son will see it for what it is. It could also be that your son is very away of the problem and instead feels a need to look after his father. Either way most alcoholics have a habit of alienating people one way or another eventually (though its never their fault! :P)

    My father was an alcoholic and I was the only 1 out of 3 daughters that visited him regularly. I loved him, but I also saw how he was his own worst enemy. I also didn't really see him as a father (because he never really was to me) just as a person who I was related to.



About Me

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Single mum of four. Three teenagers (18, 16 & 14) & a pre-pubescent 11 year old. I work in a primary school as an Integration Aide by day & work at home as a mother, financier, chef, cleaner, tutor, confidant, guide & disciplinarian by night. So far, kids are at home at night, not on the streets, no drug habits, or teen pregnancies, elder two hold down jobs & younger three are still at school. Fingers crossed, I'm doing something right!