Wednesday, 30 March 2011

That what don't kill us......

So much to write about, so little time! I’m suffering sleepless nights at the moment. So many worries tumbling around my grey matter and they seem to like making an appearance as soon as I lay my head down for the night. In fact, the exact nanosecond I start to relax, the thoughts wake up! I'm finding Serapax is my new best friend.

There’s my impending court battle for property settlement with the ex (who refuses to visit a solicitor to get the ball rolling, after house was sold nearly 5 months ago). Why would he not want the money & the relationship LEGALLY finished, is beyond me…

There’s the Lack of Child Support; four kids, I have all of them living with me & ex has to pay for 3, but I've received nothing since he quit his job. He has a new one now!! Funny how kids cost money to keep, especially when you have to feed & clothe them.. (yes, the CSA are aware).

There’s the prodigal son, who is a worry all on his own...

There’s my mum, who is in bad health, needing a full hip replacement & until such time as she gets it, is pretty much incapacitated.

There’s work….I work with some severely Intellectually Disabled kids & many on the Autism spectrum, which is challenging & frustrating (not the kids, more the constraints, parents, system).

There’s the kids, 4 of my own & 2 ‘adoptees’ living here. Total 4 teenagers,  one 21 year old & a pre-pubescent, which has it’s challenges.

Then there’s me. Recently started seeing a psych for anxiety problems (panic attacks, breakdowns..very much started by a very abusive short-term boyfriend) I’m supposed to be the strong one, the lynchpin, the role model. I felt like a failure when I couldn’t hold it together.

Recently my health has deteriorated, I have re-visited that not so wonderful bulging disc in my neck (C6 & 7). It pushes on the nerve travelling down my left arm & is excruciating, to put it nicely. I have had stomach problems (nerves or all the painkillers?) and now have a throat infection, headcold & keep sneezing, which jolts my neck & makes it worse.

An endless round of physio for the neck, counselling from the psych & GP for the pain relief, all costing money, at a time when my finances are very tight (Child Support again)…I can't help my mum, due to my own pain, yada, yada...

I know I’m one of the lucky ones, I have a roof over my head, am employed & there are a lot worse off than me, but Cosmos, c’mon, gimme a break!!


Thursday, 24 March 2011

It’s Alive!! Alive, I tell you…

This morning, as is my custom every other Thursday, I dragged my weary, crumpled derriere out of my budoir, boiled the kettle for my morning sustenance & proceeded to log on to the internet to check the bank. The aforementioned, other Thursday being PAYDAY, the best-est day of the fortnight (need I say more?).
Anyhoo, I do digress...whilst logged on, bleary-eyed, hardly awake, taking alternate sucks of caffeine & nicotine, I decided to check my Blog. I played with it re-designed it last night & wanted to see if it still floated my boat was asthetically pleasing (nothing to do with me wanting to check it out, as I was thrilled to bits to have written it)...I SWEAR! Well, maybe just a little :)

Lo & behold, I had a follower & comments! Ooooh, was my immediate reaction & as every good sticky nose female does at 7am, of course I read what others had written…
I felt, umm, for want of a better word, accepted? Appreciated? People had taken time out to consider ME! Perfect strangers & a VERY supportive cousin had made me feel fantastic & listened to ME, making me feel all growed-up, like a big girl lol.

Is this the feeling amongst the Blogging community I wondered? The reason everyday folk continue to write their thoughts, feelings, dramas, hopes, dreams, successes & failures? I felt GREAT!! ALIVE even!

My spirits were high all day. I let work colleagues read what I had written (they did ask) & received nothing but positive feedback (well of course they’d be nice, I know where they work, hehe) & requests to send them the link to read further posts. I have refrained from posting the link publicly on Facebook, as if & when I blow my stack (& I will), I really don’t wish my kids to be privy to my attack of the vapours.

ALIVE, I tell you, ALIVE!!!

Even the rain, frizzy hair, pre-work doctor’s appointment, after work shopping, physio appointment & power black out didn’t dampen my spirits today.

Methinks this could be a good thing, a wee bit addictive even, because it makes me feel.....

ALIVE!!! :oD

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Why, why, why Delilah?

With these few short words, I have just lost my Blog virginity. The first time for anything, THEY (who ARE THEY?) say, should be special, so I have overthought, or in my own vernacular, overTHUNKED exactly what to write & came up with, well to be honest....FAR TOO MUCH!

I want to include this & that, make myself appear witty, clever, articulate & everything else I admire in hard-core Bloggers. Do I document the frolicky, whismsical banter which has popped in & out of my mind over the last few weeks, as I considered starting out on this journey, or remain serious & sensible?  Do I write about work/family/problems/opinions or even that mysterious rash which occasionally appears....? Now that the time has come, I got....NUFFIN!

Truth be told, I have reached the conclusion that I just have to be myself & spew forth/vent my spleen/bemoan write whatever is on my mind on any given day & see where the journey takes me...

Why, may readers (if anyone reads this) ask, did I start the journey? Let me explain... It was a warm summer night, in ancient Greece...(thanks Sheldon - Big Bang Theory for that starter). Just kidding :) Quite simply, I have LOADS to say! I wish I could blast the bejesus out of people over Facebook, but hey, my kids/schoolfriends/work colleagues/adopted kids are on there & writing evil, childish remarks about people they know just is soooo not cool. Just because they all do it, doesn't mean I can, right? Bahahaha, or can I?

I needed a release, a place to blow my top, lambaste the world in general, write the wrongs & contemplate my navel. To see the beauty around me, be absorbed in the goodness of my children & to be greatful for what I have. Then, to send all the negative out into cyber-god-knows-where to set it free...

So it begins.


About Me

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Single mum of four. Three teenagers (18, 16 & 14) & a pre-pubescent 11 year old. I work in a primary school as an Integration Aide by day & work at home as a mother, financier, chef, cleaner, tutor, confidant, guide & disciplinarian by night. So far, kids are at home at night, not on the streets, no drug habits, or teen pregnancies, elder two hold down jobs & younger three are still at school. Fingers crossed, I'm doing something right!